by Linda Tint,
Contributing Author, Conscious Reminder
“Mad” love is a relationship built on mutual attraction, however on one special condition. This attraction is based on vulnerable position of one of the partners, and dominating position of another.
Those roles create situations of negative rewarding and control. Negative rewarding means that controlling partner manipulates with vulnerable one, in order to get what he, or she, wants.
However he makes it not via positive reward – like being nice, or asking straightly, or just showing needs sincerely – but in a cruel way, creating situation of negative reward. It can be a verbal insult, or scornful behavior shown when vulnerable partner makes something that the controlling one doesn’t like.
Mad love can take forms of sadomasochistic relationship, or even mutual agreement on such form of union, however not necessarily. The elements of negative rewarding relationship can be met in healthy relationship as well, and revealing and neutralizing them is good for both partners.
Specific features of mad love relationship are superficial nature of attraction, undisclosed selfishness of one of the partners, adrenaline as a basement of communication, and manipulating with negative rewarding.
1. Superficial charm and first impression
If you think that you are madly in love, but you don’t really know the person because you met only recently, – you are under the influence of artificial charm, or first impression, which is the strongest ever.
It means that even if you will find out later that the person is not as nice as you thought in the beginning, it would probably not work in your mind. You would still consider your friend as nice, because of the first impression. Although it’s a fake attraction, it can however be hardly ruined by logical persuasion.
2. One step forward, two steps back
Every step towards vulnerable partner is followed by two steps back. For example, dominating partner can invite someone for a date, but then not to arrive, or come very late. And he, or she, always has a justified reason of absence – so that if you are angry, you feel also guilty.
3. Negative reward before positive one
Positive reward followed by negative one can be very destructive for relationship and usually makes people want to stay away from each other. For example, it’s a situation of scandal after a nice family dinner. However if the sequence goes by the other way around and negative reward goes before the positive one, it can create emotional bound.
Say, you can arrange a nice evening together, but then to refuse some little wish of your partner. It will make your partner a bit frustrated or even mad, but also can make him, or her, addicted. Because the previous reward was positive one, it created illusion of negative reward as a right thing which he, or she, deserved.
So your partner would always expect negative rewards from you, mistake them as a normal thing, even if no positive reward took place before. They will get addicted to you. Cruel, but real. This is how mad love works, and this is how one partner bounds another to his, or her, self.
4. Selfishness which is not demonstrated
One of the partners in the mad love relationship adores his, or her huge and gorgeous self. Selfishness is not revealed, and person usually pretends to be pure and altruistic.
In mad love, adrenaline takes up a lot of space. From outside of relationship, it looks like a tension between partners, which doesn’t go away with time. It’s a main sign of “mad love” which makes it so special, but also broken, because adrenaline meetings is the only way to support those relationship. Without excitement and unusual stimulus, feelings usually die. Scandals, lying, cheating are bad side of adrenaline relationship, however unforgettable dates and bright impressions can be a good one.
If you noticed that your relationship are based on negative rewarding or are close to it, here are tips on how to ruin the connection, and also on how to improve your relationship and life by killing rewarding element.
1. Fast reaction.
As soon as you recognized the mad love on its first stages, you must react quickly and distance yourself from that person. The further your dependency on negative rewarding will progress, the worse it will be for your emotional world. You must take your time, to be alone, and to realize in which situations you are rewarded negatively.
2. Disclose first impression
In order to stop your partner from negative rewarding behavior, you should try to know more about him, or her. Most probably, it’s a person who used to negative rewarding towards him, or her, in life. Try to ask questions, to find out about his, or her, past. Disclose the first impressions. Try to find out his, or her, interests and try to see this person in real life – pay attention to actions and behavior towards other people, not words. Take him, or her, out in real life situations. Reality will make you more sober towards that person.
3. One step forward, and disappear
If you saw that he, or she made a step towards you and then stepped back – for example, took for a nice date, and then disappeared for quite a long time – do the same, but double it. Next time you see that person, try to be nice and reward him, or her, positively. But the very next time he, or she, tries to reach you – just ignore, or find reason to disappear. It will make that other person not wishing to step back again.
4. Negative rewards without positive.
Try to reward little actions of your partner that you don’t like immediately negatively – including negative rewarding from him, or her, which you already know how to recognize. He didn’t buy you flowers in a special day – be angry. She changed her mind about your evening together – show her that you don’t like it. It will make your partner lose appetite for negative rewarding, and it will make you equals. If equality is not what your partner is interested in, your union will fall apart for good.
5. Enjoy your self-sufficiency and strengths, especially when you are in connection with another.
Each and every person has something in which he, or she, is better than the others. It can be unusual physical strength, or a skill of baking, or addiction to music and good knowledge of it, or just peculiar ability to talk with pets. Use your strength to make yourself important for yourself – make it a source of your feeling of self-sufficiency. Share your strength with the others, show it – and you will never be a vulnerable partner. You will be loved and rewarded, but unlike in mad love, it would be based on reality of your true self.
So go on, love truly, and repair mad love with help of advises.
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