Setting boundaries can be a difficult task, particularly when the other people are especially difficult or toxic.
However, these are exactly the situations where it is even more important to communicate about boundaries. And as per the words of professional therapists, people tend to make one particularly common mistake when it comes to setting boundaries.
What Are Boundaries?
We usually have some perception of the meaning of boundaries. However, a more nuanced meaning exists. According to professional therapists, boundaries are something that gets created when we sense ourselves, our wants, and our needs – and use our voices to speak for ourselves about them.
All of us have some “limits” which have been violated at some point or the other. However, in the majority of cases, people do not consciously try to violate them. Instead, they are simply unaware of them. As such, this can take place sometimes when we are not clear enough about ourselves and our needs with others.
However, if there are no boundaries, relationships run the risk of becoming fraught. Since, in this case, there will be unsaid words, resulting in resentment and even worse feelings.
The Common Mistake While Setting Boundaries
The mistake arises from the difference between what we imagine boundaries to sound like compared to how they, in reality, need to be like so that there is some effect. As such, professional therapists think that the term “boundaries” has become a kind of buzzword, leading to confusion about its true meaning.
For example, we might tell our parents not to call us when we are at work. However, it should actually sound like: we will intentionally ignore their call if they do so during a workday. The difference between the two is that the latter originates from a place of empowerment.
It ceases to be a question, or about asking for permission, or about depending on whether the other person honors our boundary. Instead, in the case of the latter, we clearly tell them that if their behavior does not change, then, this will be our response.
Professional therapists explain that we should communicate our actions in case someone violates our limits. Instead, we usually rely on the other person/people to act within the limits of our boundaries. In the case of the former, we become the driver and in control.
In Conclusion
The major takeaway is that we should first think about what we will do in a specific situation where our boundaries aren’t respected when we set boundaries. It should not be about the actions of the other person.
Try to remember this important rule whenever you have to set your next boundary, since it will definitely happen, be it with the family, at work, or with friends. At first, it might feel unnatural and harsh. However, the more practice we do in flexing our ability to voice ourselves and hold our boundaries, the easier the whole exercise will be.
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