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Twin Flames and Codependency

by consciousreminder

Twin Flames and other strong soul connections cannot come together in a codependent relationship. The love that these souls have for each other is far too pure, too bright and too divine to accept a pattern of codependency. 

However, the conditioning and life circumstances that many twin flames incarnated into make codependent relationships the only form of affection that they know. Consequently, in my opinion, codependency patterns are one of the greatest obstacles for Twins coming into Union.

Do we know the difference between codependency and twin flame love? Between loving unconditionally, and becoming a doormat? Between setting boundaries and pushing people away?

All Twin Flames are wired for Union. We may, or may not enter into it fully in this lifetime, but this is what our souls are yearning for. And yet the way we learned about love was often quite dysfunctional.

Almost all advanced souls had considerable difficulties growing up, often incarnating into very dysfunctional or damaged families. Most of us did not get a good picture of healthy love. Most of us spent our formative years having no idea what healthy love is.

Additionally, the collective ideas about “love” have outlived themselves. Twin Flame Union is not a “relationship”. The template of “relationships” that we have inherited is no longer working in our society. And this is not necessarily a bad thing! On the cosmic scale, the Divine Feminine is rising again, to stand in a full face-to-face Union with the Divine Masculine. This is part of what the Twin Flames are here to do – to help shift the ideas about “love”, and to facilitate the rise of the Feminine.

But the road begins with healing.

Codependency and Inner Child Healing

The unbalanced love of a codependent comes from our wounded inner child. The deep and unprocessed wounds are causing us to either cling like crazy, or to push our Twin away, sometimes quite unconsciously, and often as if against our own will.

The wounded inner child feels she is not good enough. That’s what she learned, and that’s what her universe keeps reflecting unto her, until she is healed. Our bodies are not good enough, our education is not good enough, we are never competent enough, our identity (ethnicity, race, gender) is not good enough, basically, being our own self is not good enough.

The key to truly healing this wound is not to fight the harsh criticizing inner voice, or to forcibly numb it with alcohol, food, or over achievement. Instead we have to try and rescue it – this inner voice that is actually an integral part of us – a part which has been cut off from us, and is wounded and in pain. It is your inner child that is crying out for healing and comfort.

It is true that the twin flame journey is a process of ascension. There is no other way but up. But guess who is leading the ascension, guess who is the intuitive, the divinely connected part of ourselves? The inner child! The subconscious mind that acts out in ways that often perplex us. And so in order to go up, we have to go down into the basement of our pain, scoop up our inner child, heal her, and let her come out and play.

I feel inadequate, therefore, I will try to fix you. Anything is better than dealing with my own pain.

Healing and Fixing Others

I feel it’s easier to address the workings of the human mind by defining the many sub-personalities within us. And so let’s accept a working definition, that in addition to our inner child, we also have an inner parent. And if our inner child is unhealed, the inner parent will usually be over-responsible and out of balance, too.

An over-protective inner parent reflects feelings of inadequacy. I feel inadequate, therefore, I will try to fix you. Anything is better than dealing with my own pain. Attempting to fix another person, to heal them against their will is the dysfunctional side of the inner parent. And if our inner child is not healthy, if our scared little boy or girl is sitting in a dark basement shaking with fear — our inner parent is guaranteed to be quite dysfunctional.

The whining and controlling energy that comes with this pattern is very likely to push our Twin away. “I’m gonna be your parent whether you like it or not,” never got anyone very far, but as the unhealed parts of us come to the surface, we keep acting out the same scenario.

We need to learn the difference between idiot compassion and wisdom. Or better still, we need to balance our compassion with wisdom. If we give too much, they don’t have to respond and grow up. If your child never gets to know that some things are unacceptable, he will most likely grow up into a monster. But if you can’t say no to a child, who might be yelling and screaming and kicking to get his way, you are guaranteed to become the puppet of someone who doesn’t even have the maturity to know right from wrong. It is the same with our sub-personalities. And it is often the same with our Twins.

Wisdom and compassion need to go hand in hand when your Twin is doing something that is hurting you — it is most likely not intentional, even if it looks this way. It is something in them that is coming up and acting out. Their own unhealed inner child.

Trust. Trust, above all, that they have their own capacity to heal. You don’t have to run out and heal their inner child against their will. Most of the times, all you can do is set the boundaries and do your own inner healing.

Is this easy? No. Sometimes saying no to them will break your heart and tear you apart, and you will feel like you are being operated on without anesthesia. But the alternative is much more horrible. I feel this movie scene from the Basketball Diaries sums up the idea of rising up to be a good inner parent.

Sometimes they will be our parent. The good parent who refuses to give us what we think is love.

And you know what? It’s not only about you. Sometimes they will be our parent. The good parent who refuses to give us what we think is love. Even the unawakened, the seemingly irrational rejection by our Twin Flame is doing us the greatest service of all — teaching us to love. To really love. To love ourselves, to love the Creator, to love the Beloved, to learn about what love really means. It is the service that their souls took on for us, a far greater service than what we can comprehend in the 3D, where we are fooled by appearances.

Why Is It Like This?

Meeting our Twin Flame is a powerful soul activation. So powerful that, in fact, all of our soul shows up, at least temporarily. To clarify, I believe that only parts of our soul incarnate in each particular lifetime, to work on a specific issue and lesson. This is in part due to the nature of this world, where the 3D reality cannot “hold” the completeness of our soul. This changes when Twin Flames meet for the first time. The burst of energy that Twins generate when they meet calls up the whole soul, from the highest heavens to the deepest dungeons.

This explains, in part, what happens during the separation process. Some parts of our soul that came up had been hijacked by dark energies, had been stuck in the lower levels, completely devoid of light and love. It is not just the inner child, it is those parts of our soul that are so desperate for even tiny morsels of light. Now that we have seen the light, we want our Twin to stay in the role of a Divine Lover for us. And they can’t, because they are not there yet, just as we are.

Until we clear this desperation, we are pretty much stuck. The Light needs to fill all the deep dark desperate parts of our soul. The parts of us that disconnected through trauma. The parts of us that have descended into hell, be it literal or metaphorical. The parts that are in utter terror to loose even the tiny bit of light, terrified to descend again into darkness. All of those parts come to the surface when we meet our Twin. And we get to heal those parts, no matter what.

As Above, So Below

If I feel really deprived and small in relation to my Twin, and will put up with absolutely anything, this is also reflected in relation to God and the Universe. Somewhere deep within me is the perception of lack — that there isn’t enough coming from the Universe, that there isn’t enough love to go round, enough money to go round, enough jobs to go round. And the Twin is the reflection of what I think I deserve. Of my unworthiness.

If I see my relationship with my Twin that way, this is a reflection of my relationship with God. God is not there for me. Which means I have to get it from my Twin. He is the best possible person I can get this from. And the fact that they treat me really badly (as they inevitably will in this situation) only reinforces the already existing concept of lack. See, God doesn’t want to give me anything, he never wanted me to be happy in the first place!

We must learn to receive love directly from the Source. This is not about them giving love to us. This is about us becoming love.

If we see love as something outside of ourselves, if we demand love from others, or blame them for not loving us, we are giving our power away. We have learned from the society around us that love is out there, that we have to change to get love, not realizing that we can receive love just as we are. We don’t need to be anything other than who we are right now at this moment in order to be loved.

While we may understand this intellectually, and even think that we implemented it before in our lives, there are layers of our soul that have not integrated this concept. And guess what! They have shown up when we met our Twin Flame! The trick is to give up all our yearning, our sense of incompleteness to the universe, and ask to be filled. Ask the high beings, ask God, to take over some of the parenting. Let the universe take care of you. Allow it.

Part of the problem with receiving, is that our blocks come from the way our own parents treated us. Many just didn’t know any better, because this is how their parents treated them. But if we adopt the view of God, or the Universe, as being similar to our parents, it becomes very easy to believe that the Universe is out to punish us, that God is judging us, that we have to earn love from the Creator, from the people, that we have to be deserving. And, in truth, when we thus create God in our own image, we are never deserving enough.

We are not undeserving of God, of love, and of deep communion. But to receive the higher, we need to say no to the lower. And for some of us, this is the hardest thing in the world. And there are no guarantees. But once we let go of the need to control the situation in 3D, once we heal that needy part of ourselves, the spiritual connection with our Twin Flame will shift. It will be like finding a pearl that is so precious everything else pales in comparison. Everything we owned, needed and strove for becomes just an empty sound.

Ultimately it is about us becoming One with the Universe.

Even the unawakened, the seemingly irrational rejection by our Twin Flame is doing us the greatest service of all — teaching us to love. To really love. To love ourselves, to love the Creator, to love the Beloved, to learn about what love really means. It is the service that their souls took on for us, a far greater service than what we can comprehend in the 3D, where we are fooled by appearances.

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Athaar April 17, 2017 - 1:46 am

Whos the author please??

Sandra October 1, 2017 - 1:06 am

Oh my God.. this is EXACTLY what I asked for from my Guides today. Clarity. Understanding. Assistance. It’s all in this article. I’d also like to know who the author is please?!

Jess May 17, 2018 - 1:43 am

What an amazing article. So clear and so true to my experience. Gives encouragement, affirmation and insight. I also would love to know who the author is to read more work of theirs. Thank you <3

Amy December 1, 2018 - 3:39 pm

Thank you! Really really poignant and resonates with me and my situation soooo much! Angels, Guides, God, Source, Universe, please help me to parent myself, my inner child and my own children in the bright and true love that really is. Help me to see it, feel it, be it always. 💓

Jerell December 27, 2019 - 5:06 pm


Baljeet August 23, 2021 - 5:33 pm

Great article n amazing insight…


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