One of a narcissist’s main issues is delayed emotional development.
They may appear to be adults, but they are not capable of functioning as adults. Narcissists typically have the emotional range of a middle schooler, around 13 years old.
That doesn’t mean they can’t imitate adult behavior or that they won’t resort to toddler behavior.
Adolescents can be very cruel to each other, which is one of the proofs that the normal emotional age for narcissists is in the middle school range. Narcissists’ behavior is frequently cruel and emotionally stunted.
Their contradictory and moody behavior is another indicator of the narcissist’s middle schooler position of operation.
I was also trying to parent my parents when my two daughters were in middle school. My mother is a narcissist, and my father most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder, which includes many narcissistic characteristics. I couldn’t help but notice parallels between my daughters and their friends and my parents, particularly my covert narcissistic mother.
The following are some of the causes of middle schooler and narcissist behavior that I have personally witnessed. There are also well-known responses to middle schooler behavior and an explanation of why those responses do not work with emotionally arrested narcissists.
Here are six signs that a narcissist is a 13-year-old trapped in an adult body:
• Unidentified fear
Middle schoolers are frequently irrational, which usually indicates that they have an unidentified fear. The middle schooler will do something illogical, and a parent or teacher will question why. The typical response is a mumbled “I don’t know” or “Just ’cause.” It irritates the parent or teacher.
When questioned, narcissists frequently do things that make no sense, and they, too, are unable to provide a rational response. This is when they present a muddled response that isn’t even an answer.
You can help a middle schooler avoid doing irrational things in the future by talking with them and identifying the unidentified fear so that it can be addressed.
If you try to talk about a narcissist’s irrational behavior, they will become combative because they do not want to face their fears, especially the unknown ones.
• Protection of not quite formed self
Middle school students are still growing. They are still unsure of who they are. However, they are uncomfortable in that situation and feel compelled to protect that self while it is undergoing metamorphosis.
Narcissists are a dangerous mix of an underdeveloped true self and a frail false self. As a result, they are twice as protective. First, they are shielding their true self from themselves by refusing to look at it. Second, maintaining a false self requires a great deal of safeguarding.
Giving a middle schooler space to protect themselves and setting boundaries for what behaviors will not be tolerated can help them act appropriately.
They interpret giving narcissists space as accepting their bad behavior. Setting behavioral boundaries is viewed as a threat. Discourses about behavior are regarded as criticism, which is never tolerated.
• Lack of understanding due to lack of experience
Middle school students lack the understanding that adults will have because of their limited experience.
Narcissists’ experience is limited because they limit it. They are only interested in things that will assist them in presenting, protecting, and maintaining their phony self. They are not interested in anything that does not provide them with a personal benefit.
In short, they have a self-imposed limitation on their life experience. This limited experience is not the same as a phase for a middle schooler because it is self-imposed; narcissists will have this limited experience for the rest of their lives.
It is unreasonable to expect a middle schooler to see things through the eyes of an adult. “You just have to allow for teenagers,” my grandfather used to say. Tolerance, instruction, and patience are effective strategies for dealing with a 13-year-old’s lack of comprehension.
However, a narcissist’s lack of experience and understanding is a choice. It’s the same as a deaf man turning off his hearing aids when someone says something he doesn’t want to hear.
• Need to keep up appearances
Middle schoolers must appear cool, on point, or whatever the lingo of their generation is.
Narcissists must maintain their phony personas.
You can assist the middle schooler by giving them some space and letting them know that you do not regard their distance as an insult.
My niece’s grandfather frequently drove her to school when she was in middle school. She was mortified at the prospect of exiting his massive SUV in front of all the other middle schoolers. She pleaded with him to park near a church so she could walk up to the school. Even though he thought it was absurd, her grandfather agreed. It allowed my niece to keep up appearances, which were important to her at the time.
Maintaining appearances is not a phase for narcissists; they are always 13 years old. They are desperate to keep their fake self-alive, so anything that they perceive as an impediment to keeping the fake self-alive is regarded as a direct threat.
Anyone can be punished if the narcissist feels threatened. Regrettably, you never know what will be deemed a threat.
• Peer pressure
Everyone, including middle schoolers and narcissists, desires to belong.
Middle schoolers frequently associate belonging with acting and dressing like the group to which they aspire.
When my oldest daughter was in middle school, the school administration discussed the possibility of students wearing uniforms. My daughter complained about having to wear a uniform. I told her that I didn’t understand her aversion to wearing a uniform because she already did. She responded that she did not.
I reminded her that she and her friends all wore the same outfit every day: a t-shirt, jeans, and Timberland boots. She didn’t like my sense of humor.
Narcissists need to belong to groups that they believe are important — and which group is important depends on the narcissist’s phony self.
My narcissistic mother identifies with a local radio talk show host and claims that she and the host are better than the average person at discerning politicians’ and government officials’ true motivations. If anything negative is said about the talk show host, she becomes extremely defensive.
Once again, this is a stage that middle schoolers go through as they try to figure out who they are and where they fit in. Being open to the middle schooler’s questions and assisting them in their exploration will help them mature toward true adulthood.
My uncle used to call one of his buddies “the perpetual teenager.” That’s a good portrayal of narcissists, except they’re always 13 years old.
They are not exploring or attempting to find their place. They’ve decided how they want to be perceived — as their phony self — and have created a fantasy world in which to present that phony self. Their peer pressure comes from within, not from without. Besides, they are so wonderful that no one can compete with them.
• Shame avoidance
Embarrass a middle schooler if you want to see them freak out. Narcissists, it turns out, are also easily embarrassed.
Middle schoolers are sensitive to shame because they are still developing. They don’t understand the distinction between being embarrassed about something they did and being ashamed of who they are.
Narcissists are sensitive to shame because, like the oyster, shame is the irritating grain of sand around which they have formed the pearl of their phony self.
Listening to the middle schooler and showing them that everyone feels embarrassed can help them deal with their feelings of shame. You can also help them understand that embarrassment and shame are not synonymous.
There is nothing you can do to alleviate the narcissist’s shame. Stay out of their way because they are looking for someone to blame their shame on.
Middle schoolers have hope because they are learning to be adults.
The narcissist has no hope because they have no intention of becoming adults.
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